Yikes! So in my defence, your honour, I’ve been reaching back to the 80’s to cast a critical eye over some now-forgotten movies that were a big deal back in the day; there’s various reasons why these movies are poorly represented today in terms of reviews. Zalman King’s tawdry overheated melodrama was verging on a household name back in 1988, when my teenage self was lured into Two Moon Junction in the hope of having my morals thoroughly corrupted, and left disappointed by the result. Now it’s got just a handful of review on Rotten Tomatoes, they’re all bad, and rightly so.
A VHS bonanza, but never a tv staple, Two Moon Junction arrives on 2023 streaming uncut, but there’s not much worth cutting here; the star is Sherilyn Fenn, a big star after her role as Audrey Horne in Twin Peaks and soon to make pop culture history playing Jess’s step-mom in The Gilmore Girls, a series where she was the original choice to play protagonist Lorelai Gilmore. King casts her as Southern belle April Delongpre, kicking her heels while awaiting her marriage to a well-heeled but boring gentleman. But April longs for excitement, and it turns up in the form of a travelling carnival and hot hunko-man Perry Tyson (Richard Tyson with full Fabio mode engaged).
I guess the recent 50 Shades movies are a throwback to this kind of Skin-e-max fare, and if so, at least such films accurately capture the underwritten banality of movies like this. ‘You excite me so much I can’t help myself…’ April tells Perry, before shifting her position to ‘Once you excited me…now you repulse me!’ so there’s a certain amount of mixed messaging here. Perry proudly describes himself as a ’phantom of the night’, but lines like that submerge in a script overflowing with purple prose that lands awkwardly to modern ears. ‘The Delongpre family can claim three governors, two United States senators, three electives of the House of Representatives, a Supreme Court justice, and an ambassador to Chile,” says old stager Louise Fletcher without much conviction and Burl Ives looks equally baffled to be here, Fantasy Island’s Herve Villechaize has a cameo, and there’s yet another role for a young Milla Jovovich; she’s all of ten here. Kirsty McNichol turns up for a couple of scenes as Perry’s old flame Patti Jean, and gives a lively performance, showing that sometimes it helps to be in the wrong movie from everyone else.
“I ain’t got no secrets. I ain’t got nothing. Except a bike, a truck, and post office box in Clearwater, Florida,’ says Perry, but he’s got more up his sleeves than this film does, which seems as reoccupied as April Delongpre with ‘shoes and hats’. Fenn rubbished this film later as exploitative, and it is; it’s historical interest only as a male-orientated film that diminishes women and the idea of sex as a mutually enjoyable pursuit. They don’t make them like this anymore, and a good thing too; at least the internet super-pornography highway saves frustrated voyeurs time that would be wasted sitting through drear films like this.
Sorry to miss this one, as Sherilyn Fenn was great in Gilmore Girls, and a world in which she plays Lorelai seems like an Earth 2.0 worth visiting, though I would never make a permanent trade for Lauren Graham, who essentially IS Lorelai.
However, as a co-Gilmore-Girls expert, I must make one gentle correction. Sherilyn Fenn did not play Jess’s mom – she played April’s mom, and then she played the woman Jess’s Dad was living with in that one strange episode that showed what happened after Jess ditched Rory and left Stars Hollow.
Jess’s Mom Liz was played by Kathleen Wilhoite.
But perhaps I should fire up the old VHS player and give this one a whirl…….
That stings! I will of course correct…never quite got how she played two roles, but I guess it runs in the family ie Mrs Gilmore’s mom….
And yes, there must be a multiverse out there where Fenn plays Lorelei…
No defense needed; that was a luscious slice of 80s cake! I’m a fan of Stockton’s story Lady and the Tiger (and of your reporting and getting to nitty gritty of a plot). I recall Cheshire Cat grin after watching this flick, which ended like I wanted L & Tiger to end… I’m heading to freezer for a bucket of ice, wait, oh no that gives off 9 1/2 weeks vibes…
Yup, you need to pour that ice over yourself and write around while net curtains billow. I’ll provide the saxophone solo and we’re all set for some classic 80’s action! Will look you L & Tiger for my own personal elucidation…
Classic old short story by Philly born Frank Stockton, written late 1800s I think, in vein of Schroedinger’s cat… guy in love with king’s daughter, some complications…king annoyed, sends him into arena with 2 doors. Behind 1 is the princesses lady in waiting, whom he’ll have to marry if he survives…in the royal box is his lover, the Princess, who points to a door. Behind other door is a hungry, man eating, tiger. Should he take his chances or trust the Princess?
I’m going to trust the princess, since I’m going to marry her. Do I win?
I watched that trailer and maaaaaan, you weren’t kidding about that guy going full on Fabio mode.
I wouldn’t say something like that lightly of anyone.
Nobody goes full Fabio.
I have to disagree. This guy definitely did…
You haven’t gone full Fabio until you’ve taken out a bird on a roller coaster.
Now I’m lost…
Probably for the best.
I saw the bloody nose, but no bird…
Alex really does know a lot about Fabio, huh?
I’m wondering if maybe he’s the Canadian Fabio and is just jealous?
Or is he yer actual Fabio himself?
Not with the legs he’s shown on his blog…
Alex, Fabio or both?
Alex. I wasn’t aware Fabio had a blog where he showed off his legs. Are you looking at things you shouldn’t be?
No, I’ve only seen Alex’s legs so I can’t compare them with Fabio’s.
Huge if true. You know your Fabio, I’ll give you that, sunshine.
You seem to have much insight into what a Fabio might think or feel…
Seem redundant; thrill of the thrill?
I’m here to defend Fabio; he sold that look! Didn’t suit all of us, but worked for him!
I stand with you in the Fabio wars of 2023.
We’ll have to divide up the duties. I’ll do the strong manly poses and you can do the hair blowing in the wind thing.
Great, I’ve got a couple of pairs of cream polo pants, some spray tanning vouchers and some hair extensions, I’ll be over soon.
I’ll just be like this until the cameras arrive…
Hold on, the wind machine has caught the end of your hair…
I don’t have any. That’s why YOU have to do the hair stuff.
Start waving buddy, that “butter” aint going to sell itself…
Sigh. How many Fabio’s can I handle in one morning?
A Question for the Ages….
He did. He went full Fabio.
If you’ve got it, flaunt it I suppose.
If it means looking like Fabio, I’m not flaunting anything…
A wise decision I think.
Does anyone actually get mooned in this movie? Do two people moon them?
You’ll have to watch to find out, I don’t remember anyone being mooned but me, but I think it might have happened twice.
If I recall 2 M Junction was name of a dilapidated pavilion. Depends on what you consider mooning to be…it is an erotic B+ movie