Whhhhaaaatttt? Jennifer Lopez in a Die Hard rip-off? I guess she’s a little late, but welcome to the party, pal, because that’s the perfect formula for undemanding entertainment as the bracingly daft Shotgun Wedding drops on Amazon Prime in the UK and elsewhere. Yes, Die Hard ass-kicking at a luxury resort wedding is the sincere promise that Jason Moore’s action comedy makes, and having recently taken up my tenure as Emeritus Professor of Jennifer Lopez studies at the University of Please Yourself, California, I’m delighted to report that these promises made are promises kept. Yes, Lopez, the seminal creative figure wowing us ever since 1997’s game-changer Anaconda returns to the fray as a thwarted bride whose luxury wedding in the Philippines turns into a warzone when a group of pirates take the guests hostage. What’s not to like?
We start off with an image of a gold lame grenade with a diamond ring for a pin; yup, this is a real action film with shootings, explosions, deaths and bloody industrial buzz-saw accidents to savour. Shotgun Wedding plays out much like you’d imagine a third Romancing the Stone movie to be; Lopez plays Darcy to Josh Duhamel’s Tom, about to tie the knot on a posho island paradise, bickering away as the heavily-armed pirates descend. Can the couple put aside their differences long enough to fight their way to safety and rescue the other guests?
Having followed the career of Lopez in forensic details for several decades now, I can report only bountiful evidence of the actress, producer, singer and star’s cast iron commitment to providing old-fashioned, good time entertainment for us all. Yes, Shotgun Wedding has absolutely everything you could ask for and more. Duhamel transferring from helicopter to speedboat by using Lopez’ hair-extinctions to protect his hands from the zip-line? Now you’re talking. Jennifer Coolidge as Tom’s mother, firing a machine gun in slow motion? Yup, we’re cooking with gas now. Cheech Marin from Cheech and Chong as, checks notes, ‘a messy bitch who loves drama’? Now this party is just getting started. How about a scene in a swimming pool involving an attempt to poke yer actual Lenny Kravitz in the eye with a needle? Or Lopez getting dragged over a cliff edge when she gets her dress caught in beneath the wheels of a runaway golf-cart? This review pretty much writes itself.
Yes, Kravitz fans should be all over this one, The Chamber star plays Darcy’s ex Sean, who turns out to be something of a liability; Sean has an extended ‘WHHHAAATTTTTT!’ near the end that I’d be keen to adopt as my new avatar. But Kravitz’s sense of rising incredulity is fully justified by a madcap, deeply silly, tonally all-over-the-shop but genuinely endearing slice of Saturday night hokum. ‘I am not a monster, I am an entrepreneur!’ Tom screams in the closing stages, but this is all about Lopez, who rocks a wedding dress and shotgun combo and cheerfully drops grenades from zip-lines on pirates. While other stars phone it in, Lopez always goes the extra mile in terms of entertaining us, and Shotgun Wedding’s slam-bam silly Saturday night special should do the job.
You had me at pirates.
And the first 100 comment post of the year.
* dusts hands off *
My work here is done….
Congratulations! But strap in, we’re just getting started!
Not me. That Reign is wearing off so I’m off to take an afternoon snooze…
Or victory lap…
I’ll let you have that honor, it’s your blog after all…
It’s an ensemble…
I liked your review and was up for this, but then I watched the trailer, which was very long and I reckon covered most of the salient points in the movie, and decided it was a nope. Too silly.
I was waiting for some of that famous “hassling” you are known for and so was very disappointed with this comment. Then I realized you’d worked your magic in one of the other comment threads and all was right with the world again…
Also I thought Lenny Kravitz was dead! So glad he isn’t.
But are you going to go my way?
Depends where you’re off to.
To watch Lenny Kravitz videos…didn’t realise how spicy that one was!
There is a link to his song The Chamber in my review.
Okilidokily I’ll go and have a look. Though I’m supposed to be finding a movie for tonight!
Blimey O’Reilly. He’s fit.
Must have the same personal trainer as J Lo.
Do you write for Blogdady or did they just lift your article wholesale and then kinda sorta credit you with the link to your actual site?
That’s common practice for cutting edge, no hold barred, brilliantly written journalism. You must get it all the time.
My gpl legal schmegal mumbo jumbo seems to keep most of the predators at bay. The rest? I report them to wordpress.com
Isn’t people reading your articles a good thing? Who is the predator and who is the prey?
On my site, where I control it, yes, that’s a very good thing. There, I am the Predator.
Elsewhere, I am the prey and I’m no chickie boo who can figure out advanced technology simply by watching it work. Once. I need at least 2 times. Movies are so unrealistic in that regards, you know?
Well, I’m Amber Midthunder and I eat predators on toast for breakfast!
That’s “Amber Chickie Boo Midthunder”.
I’ll go ahead and just shorten that to Chickie Boo for you so communication is easier…
It’s not the worst name shortening I’ve had…
What’s the worst? Inquiring minds want to know…
Ahh yes. I can still remember the day when I realized how problematic that name could be when used in conjunction with other words.
But you seem to have come out the other side ok…
I’m sure it wasn’t done deliberately…
Now this is what I’m talking about. Move over Fabelman’s I’m going to the SHOTGUN WEDDING!
I KNEW that YOU would connect with this material! The film we all want to see at the price that’s fair! The internet wins again!
The Die Hard at a Wedding interested me. It’s also free on prime so I could watch it. The only rub is going to be summoning up enough oomph to actually push those buttons on my remote control to turn the tv on.
It’s always a struggle to press the buttons, but if anything was going to motivate you, Die Hard at a wedding should be the magic phrase the unlocks unlimited energy…
At this stage, only a Reign White Gummy Bear energy drink could unlock the needed energy. Send in a case by helicopter, stat! It’s an emergency…
Yikes, I thought you were joking, but I looked it up and it’s 4 reals. What’s it like?
I don’t joke about energy drinks. That’s serious business!
Have you ever had a white gummy bear candy?
No, I’ve had gummy bear melatonin from CVS?
Ok, so gummy bears are obviously jellied candy, basically chewy sugar.
The white flavor is this generic fruity flavor that is extremely sweet. I’ve heard it is “pineapple” flavor, but not being a fan of pineapple I don’t have anything to really compare it too. It is very sweet. And with 300mg of caff, I’ll be awake in the next hour no problem.
Great, drop me a line when you are fully conscious! Think the melatonin ones have the opposite effect…
Yep, melatonin is what your body produces to help you go to sleep.
That’s why I buy mine at CVS. Then I read the receipt to put me into sleep mode.
So, CVS in scotland floods you too eh? Whenever I get a paper receipt from them it’s about a meter long now….
That was my joke! We don’t have CVS in the UK…
Ahhh, your earthy Scottish humor strikes again!
What DO you have? BVS?
What does CVS stand for?
After I wrote my comment, I realized I had no idea what cvs stood for and so had to go look it up.
Apparently, it stands for Customer/Consumer Value Store.
Which is the most massive load of codswallop that I have ever heard. Everything is overpriced unless you are a member of their Value Club and even then, you have to hunt and peck among their 1 million coupons to see if they are having a sale on the one thing you actually want (and that sale price will be on level with the regular price of all the surrounding stores). Even then, they probably won’t have it on sale, so you give up in despair and just go to the grocery story or something.
I like how nobody works there at all, and you can basically do handstands in the aisles and nobody asks any questions. Like most things, it’s a whole lot cheaper than the UK, although we don’t charge 14 grand for a ride in an ambulance…
Hmmm, I thought you didn’t have CVS’s? So if you don’t have them, how does nobody work there? And are these imaginary ambulances?
I have used CVS stores in the US. And Duane Reade, but they don’t have quite the same louche atmosphere…
Oh that’s right, you’re a world traveler. I keep forgetting that. I’ll let my local cvs know so they can keep an eye out in case you get the wanderlust…
I’m standing in the queue right now…
i hope you’re buying a copy of American Blogdady. I hear they have some hot articles the latest issue.
My recent piece on Rambo2 was shared 50 times. When you have so much of what the public demand, why not share a little?
Show Me the Money!
That was Jerry Macguire!
And if he’d had his work lifted 50 times, you can bet he would have called in Maverick and missile’d the living daylights out of them…
Sigh. That’s why I have buttons on each review so that global readers can share articles that might potentially change the world. Hoping to win one of this Noble Prizes I hear so much about.
But aren’t those buttons only supposed to share a snippet and then lead back to your site?
Well, I’m looking down the barrel of thousands of hits, so I’m not complaining. Fortunately my Jennifer Lopez studies are no fabrication.
Don’t be fooled by the hits that I got.
I’m still Dixy from the WordPress Block (editor)
You forgot to make the fake rap noises
♪bumph bamph spit spit spit♪
That’s how you do it in da huud…
I used to have four readers now I gotta lot
But I’m still your friend Dixy from the Block.
I saw those too Booky! Someone called World News, and someone else called Blog Daddy have written the exact same article as Dix and posted them both on Blog Daddy’s site. If I was Blog Daddy I’d be mighty naffed off at World News and Dix for copying him.
Now I’m questioning EVERYTHING I’ve ever read here at the Film Authority!
Will be revealed that Eddie steals every single one of his reviews from reputable News Sites?
Well at least from Blog Daddy, whomstever he is.
I’m guessing he’s Puff Daddy’s cousin?
Wasn’t he a magic dragon?
I thought he was that rapper who had about a bajillion different names? Sean Combs was/is his real name, I think?
But I’m willing to go with Puff Daddy the Magic Dragon. I mean, that’s better than Blog Daddy. Who even thinks that’s a good idea?
Some sad sack. 🤷♀️
I’m not responsible for the entire internets!
Aw contraire, mah leetle chickie boo, I zink you ahhh!
As my first witness, I call in Daniel Craig Blanc…
Investigate away, Benoit, there is no crime here!
puff puff puff
I’m the blog daddy now!
Sigh. Other way round, Bunty!
Uh huh, suuuuuure….
Why would some New Site (which is obviously trust worthy since they have “News” in their name) take YOUR content?
I mean, we all KNOW you won the Bunty Badge of Honor and what that means…
Because it’s the hottest take out there…nomads on the Siberian plains are digging this…
So, you ADMIT this is good stuff and that is WHY you stole it, to try to ride its coat tails.
Daniel Blanco will be making mincemeat of your defense now.
We now call in the Nomads, as our second prime witness…
Sigh. Look, it’s primo content, let’s not split hairs…
Just what the Nomads WANT you to think. But in point of law, there are no hares in Siberia, as evidenced by that famous song ♪There are no hares in Siberia♪ sung by that great nationalist Fiviel.
The prosecution rests….
It must be exhausted after all that…look, when J-Lo makes a Die Hard movie, the world listens. And I got the hot content…
Sigh. Good news is there to be shared!
Cerebral Vacancy and Stupidity by the looks of things here.
Who is this remark aimed at, on this day of days?
Someone asked ‘what does CVS stand for’ further up this thread, so I answered it, but of course the answer went down to the bottom of that segment. What day of days??
Jennifer Lopez in Die Hard day.
Don’t be silly, Die Hard Day is Christmas Day!
Not technically a Christmas movie, saw a discussion on tv about it so it’s a FaCt!
That’s a new one.
One of my Mum’s, I keep it in reserve.
Such verbal skills are welcome here.
Oh good. I’ll dig some more of Mum’s stuff out.
and because Knowing is Half the Battle, here’s a wiki page:
Rec 3 had a wedding dress-and-chainsaw combo that would be hard to top.
Good of you to put in the extra work pimping this one, but I’m still not quite sold. Sounds like it might be trying too hard. Plus I’m not sure if there’s going to be a DVD.
Get with the beat, baggy! I can tell even a sour-puss like you is insanely jealous of me watching this film! You know you want to see it!
“Hello, is that Guelph publish library? Sorry about the teeth marks in your rubber dinosaurs, I’m just phoning about how quickly I can get my hands on a copy of Shotgun Wedding…’
Epic fail! The broad Glaswegian accent gave you away. The GPL has banned all incoming calls from Pesky Scots. They also said something about rumours of a new library being built in your area, but since there are no pics they figure that’s just a myth.
Sigh. Waiting for a nice day. You want library pics, you’ll get library pics! Apparently the library won’t send you any more films after the last few copies came back with tooth like indentations in them. Any insights?
Waiting for a nice day in bonnie Scotland. So you’re saying . . . maybe 2024?
The indentations weren’t from teeth but from a beak. Meaning the DVDs were either hung from windows or trees to scare away birds or someone with a plague mask was pecking at them . . .
Sigh. Every day is nice in Bonnie Scotland. You just wait, I’ll out library you yet.
You’ll be wishing you’d had a line of beak by the time I’m finished with you…
You can do lines of coke with that beak? Now there’s a talent.
Diet Pepsi, actually. Many talents here.
They sell diet pepsi in powder form now? What Will They Think Of Next?!?!?
That’s what I told the cops…
You have cops in scotland? I thought only the Beeb thugs were allowed to push the citizens around?
Cops and BBC basically enjoyed licence fees on the innocent Scots. Fact!
So, the cops are the Beeb? Just wondering who has jurisdiction to smash down your door and smack you around for watching tv. Because if I can figure that out, maybe I can get in on the action. Make a couple of bucks on the side…
King Charles the Nineteenth.
Ahhh, King Charlie. Should have known. I’ll have Psychic Grandma drop him a line introducing me. That should smooth things over…
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