In the week when the Cineworld and Regal chains filed for bankruptcy, putting a large swathe of the UK and UK cinema chains under notice to potentially close, Disney dropping a live-action remake of Pinocchio on its streaming service feels like adding insult to injury. Having released planned cinema releases Soul, Luca and Turning Red direct to their streaming channel, it feels like Disney are deliberately putting the boot into the idea of being a cinema provider at all, and Covid-19 restrictions are no longer an excuse they can use for not getting behind their product. Of course, this might be because their reboot of the tale of a woodcarver who creates his own son was a wooden nickel in the first place, but that didn’t stop similarly clonky versions of The Lion King or Beauty and the Beast being massive hits.
Taking inspiration from Carlo Collodi’s 1883 book, but more directly lifting big chunks of the beloved 1940 animation, this weird and not wonderful film is directed by Robert Zemeckis and Tom Hanks stars as Geppetto. The two men worked on Forrest Gump, Castaway and erm, The Polar Express, and Hanks certainly anchors the scenes that he’s in with genuine charm. But the figure of Pinocchio, voiced by Benjamin Evan Aisworth, is curiously unfinished, even for a half-cut wooden puppet; his painted on, soulless eyes are distressing to look at, and the wired-looking companion Figaro the Cat is one of several major downgrades on the cartoon version. The story is the same old; lonely Geppetto makes his own boy Pinocchio, who has ambitions but no conscience and gets seduced away from the idea of studying. The little wooden boy falls in with a rough crowd, but eventually he and Gepetto escape from the attentions on Monstero the Whale.
This 2022 Pinocchio, the first of two, does score a few minor wins; Keegan-Michael Key makes a fantastic Honest John, and his duet with silent cat Gideon of Hi-Diddle-De -Dee (An Actor’s Life for Me) is the one moment of this film that really hits a mark. But other treasured songs like Give A Little Whistle are dropped in favour of four bland new originals, the animation and script both feel unfinished, the ending is revised unsuccessfully, and the whole half-cooked production reeks of Covid-era mis-management. Perhaps little kids don’t mind almost every element being a downgrade on the 1940’s film, but adults certainly will; elements like the Blue Fairy (Cynthia Erivo) and Jiminy Cricket (Joseph Gordon Levitt) are designed to throw-back to their originals but don’t make much sense in this benighted incarnation.
A throwaway gag about what other names Geppetto might have given Pinocchio, including ‘Chris Pine’, is the kind of anachonism that kills this dead; what fairytale universe contains Pinocchio AND Chris Pine? Is this movie for the ages, or just an of-the moment variety show for Sept 2022? By doubling down on streaming at a time when the box-office is deserted, Disney is playing a major part in destroying the eco-system that sustained its audience for eighty years, as this misbegotten project would probably have cleaned up if properly released to theatres. But the politics of revenge seems stronger than any survival instincts in America’s race to the bottom, and if Disney want to drain the cash from cinema to rebrand themselves as an exclusive tv company, that’s their business. This version of Pinocchio feels like a rushed, single-use Xmas tv movie, and no more real that the fake-it-till-you-remake it puppet-boy we get here.
Got my excuse not to see it because it’s streaming.
I don’t think the world was demanding this be made, but my point is if it engages and captures a new audience/generation with the story of Pinocchio I guess that’s something. I know Disney is trying to cash in over and over again on any property they have a hand in, but I’ll allow this a pass if only because it might be enjoyable for those who’ve never seen the original or have no prior experience with the story.
That is fair, and I’d agree that if you’re under 12, you may well be satisfied by this film. It’s a story which has worked for generations, and some elements of this reboot, Hanks, Key, the old songs, still work. It’s no worse than their other live-action reboots. But we’re old enough to feel that there must be some new stories to be told, rather than just a fresh edit due to current fashions…
There seems to be 2 subjects here, demise of theaters and Pinocchio. To the first subject, the issue seems to be dwindling gathering of folks with a like desire…gone are the circuses and viewers in old time form, gone are most carnies, and many outdoor events. This means going…gone is the energy from crowds, the sharing of joyful noises, and the awe of feeling positive attributes of being human… or is it still there but in other, virtual 2-dimensional forms? Was it ever the show that drew us together or something else, something that’s changed? Do we need to re-initiate Gen Z and Gen zero?
Re PIN, not fond of cartoons, so no…however decades ago a taxi driver from N Ireland went above and beyond. I learned in our travels he collected wood puppets. Next time I went to Florence, I visited puppet shop associated with Colledi, author of PIN and bought him a wonderfully carved and adorned puppet. I also reread original book, intended in mid 1800s to unite next Gen kids and encourage them to get an education. During a time when Italy was fledging nation, with duchies that spoke their own dialects and had own rules, people were hungry and sad. Though he never married or had kids, he inspired kids to step up. Let nobody pull your strings… we need a modern version of PIN, though it could start like his story did “Once upon a time, there was a magical woodie, with a trickster spirit inside begging to be released…” or we could rework the disappointing ‘3K years of Yearning’, and incorporate some smashing bits from Velveteen Rabbit and Little Prince, and carve a branch from Chris Robins 1000 acre woods? What do you think?
Yes please, get this made! A trickster spirit is good, that kind of notion is sadly missing here. The Pinocchio spirit worked better in the 2021 film, and there’s a darkness to develop that never gets a shot in this new version; it’s just to old cartoon but ugly, and with worse songs. Maybe a story about puppets would be better told with puppets?
While I’m concerned by Disney’s smashing the system that sustains them, I do think that cinema, theatre and live music will survive. But it’s a run deal if there’s little product launched for two years, and when we restart, there’s hardly any product to show. If Disney find streaming more profitable, fine, but it leave cinema open to new voices and that won’t be bad. Looks like there will be a restructured debt deal for Regal-Cineworld, and it’s worth noting that they had mega-debt before the pandemic. What we saw over the summer was that people still love going to the cinema, but it’s no mindless habit and the films need to be good. What is shocking is the dearth of big name product coming up…. What was 3k Years of Longing like? I’m clinically allergic to Tilda Swinton
Sadly, not here, and I plead guilty with excuses, only went a few times this year… theaters were at best 1/3 to 1/2 filled for both matinees and evening shows (per my neighbor, bro, others). I have hounds and rescue hounds that can’t be abandoned for long. I have big TVs and sound system. I’m too easily annoyed by people talking, getting up, using cell phones in theater. I suspect something new will develop, not sure what…movie viewing pods, more outdoor movies (3 revived drive in theaters in TN), or seasonal ticket holders, or…? Another challenge in 21stc seems to be sheer # of entertainment options, and then there’s MAYA formula.
This version of PIN doesn’t sound promising. RE Disney, your info is insightful. Inside the oversized, painted head that’s Disney, there’s the loss of privilege in FL for rightly supporting causes IMO not on FL Gov agenda… the massive firing or shuffling of staff and execs, the outrageous price gouging, PR issues, and perhaps lack of future vision? Few are ‘imaging’ mega trends for global entertainment industry (for 8-9 B people). It will survive; it will continue to be more virtual, leaning towards interactive multiverses…I see holographic entertainment being available sooner than we think…teleports, hello Westworld? There will also be M’s of old, less mobile people. Dare I say we may even see a load of politicians walking around by 2025 with 7 inch noses that would make Cyrano’s proboscis pale in comparison — after someone invents and delivers a truth serum??? Chuckles
The tech may change, but people, particularly young people, still want to go somewhere, and that was true a century ago, and is still true now. It’s only a couple of years ago that Disney were unprecedented box-office champs, so I do see something slightly sinister about them not pulling their weight when the rest of us are trying to pull together. Being at odds with the DeSantis/Cruz school of non-thought is giving them image problems, and the drive towards wine was seems to be losing rather than gaining traction. The box office of cinema this year was only 20 percent down on pre-pandemic levels a few weeks ago, so there’s no excuse for shutting up shop now. But yes, bring on the holograms! Book me up for Futureworld! I’m ready when you are…
Your last point raises a smile. Why do we push stories like Pinocchio to kids and then lead them to a society where lying pays? It’s funny to think that we once thought the net would create clarity and connection, but instead it provides the unscrupulous with every opportunity to obscure and cover tracks. Spoiler alert: the big change in this new version is the blue fairy does not come back and Pinocchio does not get transformed into a real boy. I’m not sure how this changes anything for the better, but the bottom line is that the magic of cinema, storytelling and communication only goes away if we let it…and my nose is still the same length as when I started this rant…
I always sit at the front so I’m not annoyed by people. I go to the cinema to see a screen not the tops of other people’s heads. Hope this isn’t the death knell of cinema otherwise I won’t know what to do with my mondays.
I used to go to see the screen, but these days, I prefer to see the tops of people’s heads. It’s an acquired taste, but worth it and will probably replace watching films one day.
Next stage would be projecting the back of heads onto the screen. There’s money to be made if you get in first.
It might just work…
Ditto for me re Tilda! Bad sign when u long for something to be over… despite fetching premise and actor; perhaps prejudiced because I adore movies with a narrator. Too much playing out of stories (awkwardly) in this case. If I recall, movie was based on story by A. S. Byatt, fav author of mine. Apologies for running my mouth fingers…
I’ve got a powerful anecdote about Swinton, a church, and some haggis flavour crisps which I’m saving up for whenever I actually see this. Based on your account, I may be keeping that genie in a bottle for a while yet…
Too bad. My friend mentioned this one and we thought it might be fun to take her kids. Didn’t realize it wasn’t going to be in cinemas. Sounds like we might have dodged a bullet. If we have to watch it at home, think I’ll finally get around to “Frozen” instead…
Maybe kids won’t know any better, but this isn’t a patch on the old one…
So Disney’s plan is to go exclusive. That actually makes sense since they’re such control freaks about their IP’s and control re-releases of beloved cartoons like Hitler. It also was foreshadowed by all the MCU tv shows. We’ll know things have gone critical when they release a Star Wars or MCU movie only to streaming.
Then you can really lament the end of cinema.
Feel free to ignore me, I’m just here in the corner fiddling away 😉
Or have the cinemas go busy after starving them if content and then buy them up.
And make a chain of Disney Cinema? I can totally see that…
Disneyland cinemas! Micky Mouse would take your ticket money and Princess Leia show you to your seats. All the seats would have fake Dalmation fur covers. There’d be a Disney themed café, Donald Duckburgers and Spiderman Fries, and a Disney gift shop selling Avenger figures staffed by Thor and Black Widow. It’ll be fab!
No it won’t be fab. At all.
Because it will cost you $200 per person per visit. And part of the terms will be that you have to prepay and book your next visit during the initial booking.
They’re doing this with petrol stations here; you authonatically get charged 100 quid when you fill up so they know there’s enough money already in your account, then they found it down to whatever you actually bought.
What if you try to pay with cash?
At an automated station.
No people at all?
That’s country life.
But what happens if the gas, sorry, petrol, starts spraying all over the place? Where are the highly trained, minimum wage gas station attendants who will spring into instant action with all knowledge of the correct procedures?
Or worse. What if the machine eats your card but still won’t give you any gas?
I hear you, but no-one cares about health and safety when gas is two dollars a litre here. If only I lived in a utopian dystopia like you…
Well, they ARE chip’ing pets now, so humans are next. Mark of the beast and all that you know…
I’m sure Bill Gates is tracking the microbes in my blood right now!
It’s actually the Pope. Gatesy is just his puppet…
Same person, no?
There are rumors. But until I hear it directly from Prz Joey B AND King Charlie, I remain skeptical…
Same person, no? I’m sure that’s what Newsmax said. Steve Bannon takes over as King, Mike Lindell new PM?
Can the UK have outsiders as PM?
Rules are made to be broken. Besides, cheap pillows.
Don’t buy them. I tried them and the little cushy things inside all went to the sides so I woke up in the morning with a flat pillow under my head and big fluffy stuff on the side where it didn’t help me at all.
Of course, other people swear by them, so we had no issue giving them away.
Maybe YOU should become PM. Get your mind off the depressing subject of the death of cinema, you know?
Everyone else has had a shot, why not?
I’d vote for you. 3 times even!
How many votes does Biden give you? Thought you had unlimited votes…
He GAVE me no votes. I took them all by the power of my own right hand.
So if you do run for PM, I’d advise running on a platform of Make Cinema Great Again. It’s either that or “Free Haggis Pizza For Everyone”.
Either way, I’ll definitely cast a billion votes for you.
These are the two central tenets of my campaign. And to remake Pitch Perfect with a more diverse cast.
How could you lose with such a Trifecta of Issues that speak to the people of today?
If I lose, it can only be because it was RIGGED! And there will be riots in the streets, Lindsey Graham has assured me!
If “Golden” Graham says it, then it must be so.
You can’t get a cereal named after you here in the States unless you’re really good.
I mean, have you ever seen “Stallone Flakes: Breakfast of Soldiers” in the grocery stores? I don’t think so.
Not the worst idea I’ve ever heard.
Anyway, I’ve got a two for one on nuclear secrets right now, no folders, but totally legit. Fancy a bundle?
I’m good thanks. N. Korea and Syria topped me off last week.
Ok, but if you pledge $5999 now, I’ll pretend to match it 7900x times and throw in a signed photo of me and a hat with my name on it. Bargain!
Make it a gold plated desert eagle 357 ultra total magnum rocket launcher and you have yourself a deal…
Ok, it’s a deal. Keep it handy, you might be needing it!
I already have uses for it.
As you know, I’m a staunch defender of the cinema. So my plan is to quit my job and MAKE people go to the movies. That should drum up enough business for them to stay alive.
What could go wrong? Especially if I’m powered up by eating free haggis pizza…
Don’t knock haggis pizza, it’s genuinely good. Haggis crisps too…
I wasn’t knocking it. I was trying to show how it would have a place in the Nationalized Movement of Cinema Restoration.
By gum, those cinemas ARE going to live again, even if I have to march people one by one to them at rocket launcher point.
I hope you show the same level of dedication to the cause as I am…
Outgoing PM was born in NY
Really? Huh, the things I learn. I just looked though and it seems he was still born a Brit, not an American.
He renounced his US citizenship
So he was a dual citizen then. Then Dix should have zero problems becoming PM then.
He was barely a citizen at all…
That’s a fact! Hopefully getting Hugh Grant installed to replace him…
and I’m proud of you for even knowing about newsmax. Not many people here seem to…
How else would I know what Hugo Chavez was up to? Release the Kraken!
You don’t follow his blog? I’d always assumed you were a lifelong Chavez’ette…
He’s made a great comeback. A personal inspiration.
As long as you want to see Disney films, yes.
I was being facetious. I don’t do cinemas anyway.
Sigh.
You had me worried there for a second….
Hah gotcha!
So the Blue Fairy is a Magical Negro? Oh, Hollywood.
What’s weird is that she’s only in one scene. if you know the story, that’s very odd.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jInlO6-JTww&t=6s
hahaha brill!
Yes, that nails it! And Key is the best thing here!
There’s 2 Pinocchio movies? Haven’t read anything good about this one and it’s yet another unnecessary remake. Is there nothing original going on?
Pitch Perfect 4, apparently.
Hocus Pocus 2. Sister Act 3.
See How They Run was out yesterday! And here’s something similar just for you!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FocvSMgWnis
Pfft!
Sigh.