Pretty much deleted from the memory banks and One Hard To Find Movie, Kurt Wimmer’s debut feature is a fondly remembered slice of red-blooded American Macho that kicks ass and takes names from soup to nuts. The nominal star is man-mountain Brian Bosworth, who plays John North, a straight-shooter drill sergeant tormented by his inability to prevent the murder of his wife and children; North emerges from a coma keen to suss out who is responsible.
It’s not a huge intellectual leap to figure out that the baddie here is Karl Savak, played by the legendary Bruce Payne. Savak is a long-haired, trench-coat afficionado with a nose-ring, a crooked FBI-man who barks out deranged tough-guy dialogue like it was going out of fashion, which it was in 1996. One notable scene has him drawing up to To Do list with the words ‘Kill Marcus’ scrawled with a Sharpie on it; a possible sequel would do well to explore what else Karl Savak was planning that day.
‘You may have the gun, but I have the GUNS!!!’ Savak screams while leaping around with all kinds of armoury; as if Nicolas Cage was encouraged to try pushing the envelope of acting while playing General Zod, it’s a knowingly over-the-top villainous performance that cements Payne’s position amongst cult actors. Sure, the title One Man’s Justice might come from a quote from Emerson, but it’s Karl Savak and the alternative title One Tough Bastard you’ll be quoting by the end of this guilty pleasure.
I’m inching ever closer to finally sharing one of my most precious anecdotes; what went down the day I carried Bruce Payne’s ironing board across a zebra crossing in Maida Vale, but I’ll just leaving it hanging in the air for now to fuel intense public interest in this topic. It’s a measure of the insanity here that MC Hammer’s mad-as-balls drug-lord barely makes an impression; this is a highlight from Payne’s storied career, and he dutifully gives One Man’s Justice an energising hard kick to the Boz.
The Ironing Boards of Famous Men. Surely a pic in there somewhere.
You’ve still got Stone Cold and the Revelation Road series to go to appreciate the full genius of the Boz.
The guy in front with the gun has nice hair.
That’s our Bruce! Helped him move out of a flat! Full disclosure for premium members! Competitive terms! Offer must end soon.
Well, as for your ironing board anecdotes, save it for the Directors Cut of your 3hr long epic biopic. Fans now REQUIRE that kind of thing, you know.
I saw the Rifftrax version of Stone Cold and I was not impressed by Boz. He certainly made the Riffer’s job that much easier 🙂
Don’t kick the Boz when he’s down!
Are you suggesting that I charge true cineastes top dollar for premium content like my story about carrying Bruce Payne’s ironing board during his flitting? How much do you think the market could bear?
Kicking him while he’s down is the only way I can reach that monster!
Yes. Charge until they squeal like stuck pigs. That’s my motto anyway.
and considering the price of bacon, I bet you could charge 50 of those quid things…
Great, I’ll need the three numbers on the back of your bank card…
I’m not a cineaste. I thought that was clear from the get-go?
Let’s not get words and rules get in the way of a great opportunity for you! Just send me a screenshot of the card front and back.
I bet you say that to ALL the old grannies you meet online!
No, you are the first, but hopefully the first of many.
So I’m the guinea pig eh? Being called a pig isn’t very flattering you know. You might want to work on that aspect of your sales pitch.
I didn’t use the word pig. Pioneer is what I would say. Premium customer. Now quit stalling and hand over the dosh.
Indeed, I have a gift!
Great, put it in the box with the money and leave it on your doorstep.
That’ll be 200lbs for the box and giftwrap….
Is that going to cost more than the gift itself? Can you just send me a picture of this gift? Is there a cash alternative?
Oh yeah, the gift was only a buck. So you’re going to owe me 199lbs. And the picture would cost 500lbs, because of the energy crisis.
But if you can imagine it, it is all yours!
Just send me your banking details, I’ll sort it out fairly.
Oink, oink, OINK!
I remember seeing Stone Cold at the cinema when it came out. I think the Boz’s film career was about as successful as his stint in the NFL, though it’s lasted longer.
You can’t beat the Boz, although Karl Savak certainly gives him a run for his money. Maybe you could review a Bosworth boxed set?