In a bid from true critical immortality, I finally earned my Beowulf boy-scout badge for completing not only reading the original poem, but watching not one, not two, but three movies derived from the classic tale. Yes, suck it up, haters, but I see no evidence that Roger Ebert or Pauline Kael ever viewed THREE adventures taken from the Old English manuscript, and I claim my prize with all the pompous passion with which the titular warrior slayed the monstrous Grendel and his mother.
Yes, it’s bad movie time, and this version of Beowulf, set in some ’post-apocalyptic, techno-feudal future’, makes the other two look tame, and that’s no easy thing to do to Robert Zemeckis’ 2007 ‘I’ve come to kill your monst-ah’ farrago, or the Gerry Butler Monster Hunter epic from 2005 that preceded it. Nope, this Beowulf is somehow the silliest of them all; duff movie addicts will immediately recognise that by casting Christopher Lambert and Rhona Mitra in central roles, this Beowulf has the true pedigree of a shambles for the ages. This is Beowulf adapted for the screen by the producers of the famously awful Mortal Kombat films, and if you want to see how a great work of literature looks when filtered through the mind of a video-gamer, look no further.
The plot need not detain us for long; Beowulf (Lambert) is a cross between Highlander and Mad Max and scoots around a desolate wasteland on his horse before coming across an embattled castle. The denizens are being terrorised by a creature called a Grendel, and Beowulf decides to free them from the monster. Kyra (Mitra) fancies Beowulf, but their canoodling is disrupted when Grendel’s mom turns up not happy about the fate of her son…
Filmed in Romania for a fraction of the advertised budget, garlanded by blasts of techno such as Junkie XL or The Prodigy, and directed at a pace by the man behind the lively Omen III, Graham Baker, this Beowulf also has the worst monster of the trilogy of the terrible, with Grendel half-rendered as an unfinished effect that appears to be mainly motion blur. ‘I must fight the evil to keep from becoming evil.’ explains Beowulf, but even Lambert’s low-energy, phonetic acting style can’t light the darkness here. This Beowulf is awful, yes, but it’s also inherently amusing in its presumption that what Old English poems need to appeal to teenagers is techno, gore and Playstation 2 visuals. Surfacing for free on Amazon Prime as a trap for the unwary, this Beowulf is for hardened bad-movie veterans only, but offers truly perverse rewards for those willing to consider the mind-bending action contained here. Dare YOU venture into the mad world of Beowulf?
Now this is a film I know I will truly enjoy ha
It’s one I recommend unreservedly to those who enjoy dining from the cinematic top table of bad movies…
Lambert somehow makes crap good. I have been tempted to see this film based on his presence alone, Your review somehow makes it much more tempting for me-especially since it’s on Prime and I will not need to seek it out physically.
That’s the spirit. I wasn’t bored for a second watching this movie, Lambert is a class act, the music is a complete mismatch, and the visuals provoke mirth. I didn’t know it existed, but was glad I saw it. Enjoy!
Lambert was such an interesting package, both a sort of action star and Brando-like, brooding presence. I always felt like they didn’t know what to do with him. His language barriers might have had something to do with that. In your first paragraph you doubled “though” one time. It’s OK, it doesn’t really detract, but I feel it important to maintain our professional editing skills. 🙂
Through, not though. Sorry. Two is emphasis. 🙂
Fixed it, now pretending it never happened.
I suggested Subway as Lambert’s other best work, but I’m kind of fond of him for being good in a couple of big films, and being in a number of amusingly bad ones too. We’ll always have Highlander.
I’ve always enjoyed him! Not sure he’s ever been used properly. I loved seeing him in the small role he had in that George Clooney thing about old Hollywood, Hail Caesar or something?
And Clancy Brown is in that one too, making it a Highlander re-union!
Amazing that such a little-read Olde English work – and full marks for managing it yourself – should be such a magnet for movie-makers as if they were aiming for boy scout badges or angling for university professorships for tackling the subject.
It’s a moment of collective madness from the film industry to make three features in eight years about a text that hardly anyone has read or knows about outside of academic circles…
Doesn’t EVERYONE read Beowulf? At least the Grendel part? Every American High School starts an English lit course with it and goes straight to Chaucer directly afterwards.
Yup, agreed, but you’re not reading it in Olde English, are you? Same with Chaucer, you’re reading translations…
On reflection, they should study the Christopher Lambert Techno-English version in every school.
These works are NOT translated into modern english at all. But I frankly don’t know if what they have offered us is a true representation of the original.
My guess is that they’re halfway between the original and a free translation. It was certainly a tough read as part of a lit degree at uni in the version I wrestled with….
And so, I’ve looked it up with teh Google machine, it turns out there are many old translations, and the freaking translations are struggle enough! :p Mostly 19th century translations.
That’s why I see Chris Lambert’s version as definative. With the right techno soundtrack, it all makes sense…
Some Geezer actually translated it into Latin! :p
That would do my head in…
Woody Allen has a joke in Annie Hall about it too, recommending not taking a course where you have to read Beowulf.
And he’s not wrong….
Hwæt. We Gardena in geardagum,
þeodcyninga, þrym gefrunon,
hu ða æþelingas ellen fremedon.
Oft Scyld Scefing sceaþena þreatum,
monegum mægþum, meodosetla ofteah,
egsode eorlas. Syððan ærest wearð
feasceaft funden, he þæs frofre gebad, 🙂
Yeah the original could not possibly be thought of as readable to modern english speakers.
That sounds like Chris Lambert to me.
I have a vague memory of Ray Winstone and Angelina Jolie being in a Beowulf movie, but that can’t be right. I will give this one a nope , I think vague memory will suffice.
Have reviewed all three, just checking to see if you are paying attention. The jury is out.
Am assuming that means my memory is right.
duh just seen your other reviews advertised at the bottom of the post, paying attention now. Thought you meant you WERE going to post reviews on them, so you had all 3 one after the other, like ALex is doing with his Tudors.
I don’t dress up as them and cavort around the Toronto streets dressed as Queen Victoria…
Maybe you should.
I hear cavorting is good aerobic exercise….
Did you read it in translated or in the original?
I’ve only seen that ugly 3d animated version which was bad. So if you consider this worse, I’ll not be watching it.
It’s in Old English, so you need the original and translation side by side. That’s what an MA Jt Hons at Glasgow Uni gets you!
This is absolutely terrible, but if you like Congo, you might like this….
You mean you can’t read “ye olde english”?
What are they teaching at schools these days?!? sigh.
Outside of Highlander, I’ve not seen Lambert in anything I like….
Subway is good.
When I first read that comment I thought you were referring to the fast food franchise and I had to wonder what food had to do with anything.
Then I made the connection about Lambert and movies and the world made sense again.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UdpLg2NHIco
Hmmm, that is weird, nothing came through the notification area. Let me check on the website actual…
Maybe forbidden in your territory, try this…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PdOigVX4b7I
Ahhh, a link.
Hey, look at that, a real french film! I should probably watch it before the french disappear and nobody remembers them….
Funny how links don’t always show…
They show up on the site just fine, just not in the notification area. I have no idea why WP has that stupid limitation on the notification area, makes no sense to me.
Agreed.
I get the videos in my notification area, but only a link on the site 🙄
Huh, that is odd….
WordPress goings on are a mystery wrapped in ann enigma.
Or it’s just plain stupidity by those idiots who do all the coding.
When the Revolution comes, I’m lining them up against the wall FIRST!
😀
Computer nerds can’t help themselves, tweaking and twirking is in their DNA. I had a little contre temps with one in the chat last week, which ended up with me telling them ‘if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it’. Luckily the thing that bugged me was sorted out and back to how I wanted it, so they either like me lots, or loads of other people had the same complaint and it wore them down!
More Power to YOU!
I’ll be happy to let you take the first shot if you want 😉
My first thought was steak and spicy cheese on a 6″ hearty Italian 🤣
Oh, er, missus.
I’ve just realised I’ve accidentally delved into smut there.
and in no half measures.
Oh I’m sure I could do better, but I’ve got my keep-it-clean button switched on now. As you were.
Phew!
I’m a spicy italian on cheesebread kind of guy myself.
Sigh. Let me know when you’ve finished having fun on my serious comments section. People have been BANNED for such frivolity.
Pfft.
Yes, I’m talking about Mr Boring of Canada, but smut peddlers may well be cracked down on too…
In fairness it was accidental smut.
VAR! VAR! Looks like potential deliberate action in the replay!
Well it isn’t. WTH is VAR?
Not watching the football closely? VAR is the video assist whereby the referee can watch an incident and then award a penalty to the team with the most cash….
I don’t do football, as you well know. Sorry to hear about the Scottish team going out of the competition though.
At least we went out with dignity; cheating and lying about Covid test exposure….
Did they??
Both Croatian and England managers expressed their disbelief that Covid kid Billy Gilmour had no contact with the rest of the squad, despite the other players posting pics of him playing table tennis with them at the weekend. These pictures were swiftly removed from tinternet, but the SFA clearly set an example to the public by lying their heads off in the hope of gaining an unfair advantage. SIGH.
This sort of thing is why I gave up liking football. Not much honesty in it these days.
Totally. A matter of national shame.
I live in a nation of shame, it’s not good, but you get used to it.
You would be a better pundit than Rio Ferdinand. This is more incisive than any of his chat.
Thanks! I think.
Braveheart would wave his little blue bottom at you for trying to ban talk about sandwiches!
William Wallace had no opinion about sandwiches because they were not invented in his lifetime. FACT!
I bet Mel Gibson had a sandwich or two though.
A sandwich sort of a picnic.
Not really.
Mel Gibson? https://www.theguardian.com/world/2006/jul/31/arts.usa
Yes he did a bad thing. But still, sandwiches are not sort of a picnic, I mean they can be in a picnic for sure, but you need other things too like crisps and cakes, maybe a few little sausage rolls, and scotch eggs.
Sigh. Agreed. But you need sandwiches of some kind, even just a bagette with cheese.
That’s what I just said! 🙄 I’m off to hang the washing out.
Green bins today, according to The Royal Canadian Mounted.
Did our green one last week, blue one tomorrow. He’s very lucky to get a daily collection, we only get one fortnightly for each colour.
Sorry, I missed this important comment. I think Alex’s daily collection, like many things about him, is a fantasy….
It’s time you two kissed and made up. Well not kissed obviously.
Wait, can you put my delicates up while you’re out?
You getting your delicates over to me would be a hell of a highland fling!
I can mail them down if it helps.
Two late it’s raining now.
Fake News!
Braveheart had an opinion on everything, whether he knew about it or not.
TRUE FACT!
I’m not rising to your fake news bait….
I’m not surprised. You’re the master of Fake News after all. Everything I learned about it, I learned directly from watching you….
Haha, and I learned it all from your country’s shame…
Changing the subject won’t help you. Everyone can see the truth plain as day.
Yup, we can, and hopefully he and his horrible criminal family will be in jail for a very long time…
I notice it doesn’t stop you from commenting on his blog. And being rather incendiary at that 😀
He has a policy of not deleting comments. I think it only polite to leave some worth deleting.
What do you hope to accomplish by that?
I mean seriously. I realize you have fun, but is there more to it than that?
He is Moriarty to my Holmes….
🤣🤣🤣
After reading your other comments, I know understand why you laughed so much here.
You two are terrible….. 🙂
Always fun at the eminent Mr.Dix’s place.
Quite a minefield! 😀
Exactly so. 🙂
I wish Alex was here to step on those mines for me….
There’s a movie called The Hurt Locker, that’ll teach you how to avoid them.
That’s a war movie, right? I don’t do war movies any more. Too real for me….
Try this instead, no war.
https://youtu.be/vb4goOr09Ok
I’ll have to add it to my Prime watch list and wait for it to go on the free list.
it is free, it’s a cartoon! on youtube! 🤣
What? Isn’t the Hurt Locker a rated R war film?
Yes but the link I gave you is a cartoon on mine survival, and nothing to do with The Hurt Locker.
Ooops. I almost never click on links.
Talk about egg on my face 🙂
It’s OK, don’t watch it anyway, I thought it was going to be funny, but it’s scarier than the movie!
Hahahhaa!
I feel better already….
Pleased to be of service!
Thanks to all who contributed to this marvelous international discussion! It’s been a blast!
You’re welcome!
I cannot wait to hear more opinions on the well-known cartoon The Hurt Locker, on You Tube or elsewhere…
I’m bad laughing.
One for the kids! Plonk them down in from of The Hurt Locker and take a breather!
Oh man, I’m still laughing, anyways, got to leave you gentleman now, it’s Phil’s movie night tonight and I’m late! Have a fab evening or whatever time you’re in!