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No Award

‘…a form of straight-to-VHS rubbish that somehow found an audience in the 90’s…’

Sigh. A high standard of elevated film criticism has been the aim of this writer, but it has come to my attention that there is a small number of readers and commenters who are intent on derailing my lofty ideals with incessant comments about leprechauns, and specifically the franchise of movies that began with Mark Jones’ 1993 film. Nobody enjoys a good joke more than myself, so rather than attempt to censor these outbursts, I’m leaning into the storm by reviewing the original Lep flick, which Amazon Prime thoughtfully made available as part of their ongoing attempt to make lock-down couch potatoes rather less comfortable than they could be.

What is a Leprechaun? The blurb for Leprechaun 2 makes clear that he’s an ‘Irishman’, although he seems less like a man that a troll or imp. He wears a green suit, an outsized hat, shiny black shoes with buckles on them. The leprechaun seems to exist in a permanent state of self-amusement, often laughing with delight at unseen or un-guessed at events, and has a number of bespoke vehicles which he uses to cause physical damage to his victims, namely a go-kart and a pogo-stick. These scenes are presumably intended to be humorous; Jones seems to be aiming for the sweet spot that mixes cartoonish horror with comedy a la Gremlins, even if the burst of gore are more Freddy Kruger.

In a story with logic that gives the impression that it’s been created by a small, warped child, Leprechaun is the story of how this tiny Irishman, played by Warwick Davis, terrorises a young girl Tory (Jennifer Aniston, yes, that Jennifer Aniston) whose family have rented a house belonging to a man who crossed the Lep. And that’s your lot in terms of the story; the conflict is set between youth and Leprechauns, and it is against this sobering background that the idiotic narrative of Leprechaun is played out.

After reading a number of recent, scholarly assessments of the Leprechaun phenomena, and stared deep into the eyes of the creature itself, I have found the Leprechaun to be a meritless film without standing, and will consider no more films in this franchise, not In Space, or Back in Da Hood, no Origins, or any of it. A form of straight-to-VHS rubbish that somehow found an audience in the 90’s, these films are utterly dismal in their attempts to wring either scares or laughs from the ridiculous protagonist and his search for precious gold or lucky charms. With the entire world of cinema becoming us, there is simply no reason at all for us to tarry with the Lep; let us unite and pledge to have the little fellow depart us forever, and say goodbye forever to our friend and enemy, the Leprechaun.


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    • Apparently she is embarassed to be in this, which is a coincidence since I’m embarassed to be writing about it…

    • No, I will not negociate with leprechans or their supporters. The mob will not dictate what is written about on this blog, and I will retain all my freedoms of speech. The mob will never win!

  1. Another fondly remembered bit of, oh wait, this isn’t Wishmaster — what the hell, were we going through some kind of Irish mythology period in our horror consumption? . . . Jen definitely improved with age.

    • Phew, a sensible comment. I thought of Wishmaster too, I guess the disapora suggests that if you’re going to make horror films about mythology, a lot of the target audience have Irish roots. My guess is that this is a tatty version of Wishmaster, but I’l loathe to delve to deep in case of what I might find. Jennifer Aniston the best thing in this, but there’s little comptition….

      • so in looking back a bit I realized that Wishmaster is a Djinn movie, NOT a leprechaun . . . TOTALLY different realm of magical being, I guess. My mistake. :p can’t imagine why I conflated them, I also seem to remember Seinfeld’s Julie Lewis Dreyfuss in one of these things . . . but I can’t be sure.

  2. Let’s not jump to the conclusion that some mythical goblin is doing this. The knocking at my door must just be the postman….

  3. The Leprechaun is even playing games with your comments, moving them about the page at total random!

    I don’t see how you can not appreciate the way the Lep’s shoe fetish echoes similar motifs in the work of Bunuel. I mean, that just hits you over the head.

    • No, it doesn’t, you talk nonsense!

      I am concerned bout the way the Lep seems to be messing around with the comments, hold on, somone at my front door…

  4. Oh my goodness, I was laughing my head off the entire time I was reading this.
    I wish I had some witty and clever things to add but since I’m not a movie reviewer and I don’t watch movies like this (little Jennie would knock herself on her butt if she actually fired that shotgun after all), I can’t dive in deep.

    I will say that actors like Jen and Warwick really raise the tone around here. After Bronsen and Seagal beat the ever living daylights out of anyone brave enough to read this blog, it feels like a gentle embrace to see Warwick scamper around.

    • You get it ALL out of your system, now, Ok? Let’s purge the little fella out! Because there’s no more leprechaun after this, so you’ll have to take your little stipey-socked pal elsewhere from now on…

              • My box of Lucky Charms says otherwise. I can see Lucky on it, with my own 3 eyes!

                So you’re denying that Warwick is a real person? Just because he did that tv show by Ricky Gervais doesn’t mean he’s an inhuman brute, he has feelings too!

                • Warwick D is a real person, the Lep is a fictional character, this isn’t one of these films where they show you pics of the real people at the end….

                  What is this babble about Lucky Charms, they’re cereal, right?

                  • So you ADMIT Warwick is a real person. Ok, we’re making good progress here.

                    Now, tell me how cereal makes you feel. Don’t be afraid to tell the truth. These sessions are totes confidential and I’m definitely not taking notes to use at your expense on my own blog.

                    • We don’t have your silly cereal in our country, so I have no feelings about it. The end.

                    • calm down, calm down. No point in feeling anything about a cereal which cannot be purchased. Take a deep breath…

                    • I’m perfectly calm! I just took a years supply of coke this morning, so I’m so calm you could glide Cleopatra’s river boat down me. The Duke could become the man’s richest world on my calm!

                    • You and Alex are gaslighting me, I know that these creatures are not real. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m busy bringing in some packages from my front door….

                    • Seems pretty high brow to me. All sorts of modern cultural references, big name actors and actresses, references to classic film and literature. How much more high brow do you want to go?

                    • A lot, would be my first answer. Get the Lep out of your system, because there will be automatic bans on those who mention his name after this farce…

                    • I am in the process of creating a masterpiece of an opera about the Lepreconn. When it is finished I’ll be sure to post it in your comment section so everyone can enjoy it.

                    • Nope. You’d better not try, there’s enough bozos running around on here as it is…

                    • Wow, I can’t believe you think Jennie is a bozo. Just because everyone thinks she’s pretty is no reason for you to hate on her.

                    • I missed this comment in the deluge, but I’m not falling for this. Joanna Lumley is real and cool, the Lep is not. Thank u, next!

                    • I’m ripping Alex’s post on lousy British spy-movie Some Girls Do apart while I joust with you, like how a master chess player can play eight games at once?

                    • Sigh. Let’s get this straight. There are no such things as leprechauns, OK? Simples.

                    • Oh, so Martin Scorsese cast her in Wolf of Wall Street because of her international obscurity? You’re only making more of a fool of yourself and your Leprechaun-worshipping eccentricities….

                    • I am so confused right now. Between the caffeine, the coke and the lepreconn moving the comments, I can’t make head or tails of anything going on here…

                    • Look, there’s nothing funny about knocking on my doors and windows, trying to gaslight me and freak me out. THERE ARE NO SUCH THINGS AS LEPRECHAUNS! I’ll call the cops!

                    • Are they Irish cops though? Because if they’re not, you’re doomed.
                      Unless you eat a bowl of Lucky Charms. That should also do the trick…

                    • Oh, you think it’s funny to build a snow-man of a leprechaun outside my front door? It’s harassment, pure and simple, and you’ll regret messing my THIS head, Bunty!

                    • Why should I apologise? You’re the ones who send round a guy in a little green costume to stand outside my house? How is this my doing?

                    • If only you had believed…..
                      ….. now you are doomed.

                      It was nice knowing you Ol’10. I’ll try to say a nice word at your funeral….

                    • Wait, tell you little green friend to shift from my driveway! I need to get my car out later…

                    • No, because despite all your and Alex have done, I dodn’t believe in the Lep, even when he’s standing outside my own house!

                    • What’s Australia got to do with this, as Tina Turner once sang? Anyone saying it doesn’t exist? I thought you were King of Australia?

                    • Oh my, it’s worse than I thought. Now he thinks I’m King of “Australia”. I can see I have my work cut out for me.

                      Ol’10, I’m your friend, Bookstooge, remember? I’m the God Emperor of Mars, remember?
                      (first step, establish rapport with the deranged psychopath, check!)

                    • Look, Bunty, I’m not the one that paid a small man to dance around my back garden in a green suit is a futile attempt to prove that leprechaun’s exist. Do you think Roger Ebert or Pauline Kael had to put up with this kind of nonsense? This is a blog for serious film criticism, not spurious fantasy! Now, I’m off for a shower…

  5. *sigh*

    Such disrespect, even to the cast (Davis, not Davies; Aniston not Aninston). If there were any justice the Lep himself might be visiting Scotland in his go-cart Deathmobile or demonic pogo-stick to deal with you. No love for the Steinbeckian evocation of the dimwitted Ozzie? The Bergmanesque moodiness of that folklorish opening? The fairy-tale rainbow that recalls the best work of Powell and Pressburger?

    One down, you have seven Leprechaun films to go. Though I’d extend you a pass for Leprechaun: Origins. Otherwise, get to work! You’re a critic damnit. You don’t get to walk away for a job not even half done!

    • Nope. I’m disrespecting this franchise, I’m disrespecting the Lep, and I’m disrespecting anyone who thinks this film is worth my time to review. And these mis-spellings you talk of? A FIGHMENT OF YOUR IMAGINATION, I have read through my article careflly and (after a couple of corrections) found NO SUCH ERRORS! haha! that’s what the Lep would do, sucker you in!

      I see the strained humor in your attempts to find some kind of value here, but I’m not dragging Steinbeck, Bergman or anyone else into this mire. This is utter rubbish. Begone, Leprechaun! My job is done, and the Lep will be heard from no more! It’s over!

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