What do we think about, when we think about Condorman? Charles Jarrott’s 1981 Disney adventure shows a studio in chaos, with no idea who their target audience might be, or what they might like. A wave of family-friendly movies had usurped the mouse-house’s identity, and the studio struggled to find concepts which would appeal. So in the wake of successful franchises for James Bond, The Pink Panther and Superman, Condorman attempts to combine elements of each into a funk/jazz-jazz/funk fusion that doesn’t work of a second, but offers amusement in terms of presumption.
What do kids love to see in a movie? How about Barbara Carrera undressing? Oliver Reed’s huge sweaty face in a bad suit? A narrative about a defecting Soviet agent? A wedding interrupted by accusations of infidelity? Condorman’s idea of a good time for families are somewhat wide of the mark; if you have a child whose eyes light up at the above ingredients, I’d be interested to hear about it. This is the story of a cartoonist called Woodrow ‘Woody’ Wilkins, played with a film career-ending American accent by British comic Michael Crawford. As Frank Spencer in BBC sitcom Some Mothers Do Have ‘Em, Crawford was a household name in terms of visual gags, but was surely the wrong choice to play a confident American espionage agent. Although he’s presented as something of a loser, first seen jumping into the Seine in full Condorman costume, the narrative asks us to believe that lowly Woody is mistaken by defecting agent Natalia (Carrera) for the best in the business, and hence the CIA offer Woody a huge budget to bring Condorman and all his gadgets to life to rescue her from her Russian homeland security.
That’s a convoluted narrative to ask any kid to enjoy, and it’s very hard to get a handle on Condorman/Woody, not helped by having a third, animated version of the character in the opening credits, a la Pink Panther and complete with a Henri Mancini score. Although accident prone, Woody takes to the espionage game like a duck to water, and the expected gaffs and pratfalls don’t materialise. Instead, we have elaborate Bond–level action scenes from Remy Julienne, who pulls off two remarkable chases, one using six identical black Porches, and another using a clutch of black speedboats. Expensively shot, these fiery set-pieces are really impressive to look at, if it wasn’t for the strained comic insets and tatty design of Condorman’s car and boat. Reed and Crwford worked together on The Jokers, but barely share a frame here, with both actors looking uncomfortable with the film’s uneven tone.
It all goes wrong in Condorman, with the dialogue notably lame. ‘A rouble for your thoughts?’ asks Woody to Natalia, before they invent a repeated catch-phrase that would make any child shrug; ’If you bring the dips…I’ll bring the Dostoyevsky!’ And even worse, the whole premise of Condorman, based on a book by Robert Sheckley, denigrates the idea of a comic-book character; Woody saves the day with a series of expensive gadgets, with no real training or understanding of what he’s doing or why. The question asked here is; what is a superhero, but an ordinary man who can accessorise?
I know Condorman exists, but I always forget about it whenever the topic of original or obscure superhero movies comes up. Good or bad, I’ll have to put it on my list. I wonder why it’s not on Disney+?
That’s a good question, it’s no racier than say Splash. But Splash is a very fondly remembered movie, and Condorman is not. I find this period of Disney interesting, the films do badly, but are original, like Watcher in the Woods or Something Wicked this Way Comes. It’s kind of the invese of where they ended up in 2019. I would be keen to understand what the super-hero angle was here, because it’s quite confusing in the film, but must have been simple at some point, maybe the book.
Well…this time you are going to get a very surprising comment from me: I love this movie! Yes it’s a comedy, yes it’s a bad film, and yes it has many flaws…but I love it. It’s campy, crazy, and I think as a kid I’ve seen this one more times then I can count. Maybe if I see it now, I might not like it as much anymore, but I have this feeling that won’t be the case. So…I guess this is a total surprise huh? 🤔🤔😂😂
No, we’re in the same lazer-firing boat! Although it’s awful, I’ve watched this a good four times, and I’ll watch it again. I bought a black sports car a few years ago, and my first throught was; it’ll be like the bad guys in Condorman. So you’re not the only one drawn to this movie like a moth to a flame…
Hahaha…man so true😂😂 Maybe I should by one of those speedboats…do want the one with the rocketlaunchers on top of course😂😂😂
You get the one with the lasers! We’ll live the movie !
Haha! Deal! 😂😂
I vaguely remember going to see this at my local cinema when I was a kid. I don’t remember much about it besides his costume. “Oooo Betty!”
Ohh, Betty! I think I’ve soiled myself! Who’s going to see the Queen on Christmas day! These are catchphrases which will live with me forever. I was a fan of the Frank Spencer Blues Explosion, but this sisn’t Crawfords finest hour in the way that hanging onto a bus in roller skates was.
Ha ha! Hanging onto a bus in roller skates beats trying to fly in a dodgy costume any day.
Exacty! That was the kind of comedy hoped for, but he ends up firing lazer guns from speedboats, which is not very Frank Spencer IMHO.
Another convergence, I had just added this to my list! Though, now reading this, I see I really don’t need it. I’m not in the market for more superheroes I was looking for spy-spoof! 🙂
Condors for a little while seemed to be a bit of a rage, not sure why a giant, nearly extinct bird had the marketers’ imagination. Three days, six days, last days of said bird. Hmmmm.
This looks like a spoof, but actually plays oddly straight with a very silly idea. And no, there’s no explanation for the Condorman name at all, zero, zilch. And the suit, car, boat all look terrible in brown feathers.
Does not sound very interesting. This is definitely one movie I don’t mind not watching.
I know, and yet I’ve seen it four times. What does that say about me?
Hmmm, I think this calls for some self-inspection on your part. Only YOU can answer that question….
It say I have a facination for artistic folly. I guess that’s why I follow your blog….
zing!
So you get up at 5.45 am to read blogs?
Nope, I get up at 5 to read blogs 🙂
That is amazing! You are a blogging super-hero, better than Condorman himself! How do you do it?
An alarm clock, a can of diet cola and some extreme training the likes of which humanity has never seen 😉
That sounds interesting! What kind of training?
Secret, alien dropbox inspired training.
Are you in cahoots with the aliens?
That definitely depends on your definition of just what “cahoots” entails.
Cahoots are short sports trousers, right?
I don’t know. I’m not up on the latest sports fashions. I’m pretty sure that “Cahoots” (trademarked symbol) aren’t yoga pants though.
So you’ve been hanging with aliens in ersatz yoga pants? Like many alien invasion plans, I don’t get it. Why you? Why revealing trousers? What is their goal?
the only way to reveal such a mystery is to tell you to go watch the Outer Limits. All Is Explained…..
So aliens control my tv? I’ve broken the remote in my fire stick, do you think they’ll send me a new one? Still have the receipt somewhere…
I’m pretty sure Bezos ISN’T an alien, so you are out of luck.
Rats, that’s another forty quid down the drain. I don’t mean real rats, so put your knife and paper plate away…
No worries. I only did that for chipmunks…
You stand incriminated in your own words. How do you think that defence will stand up in court?
Self-defense.
That chipmunk invaded my house and was trying to steal my food. I was simply defending myself against violent, homebreaking, marauders.
Chipmunks? Violent homebreaking marauders? Maybe in The Outer Limits, but surely you’re not being bullied by Alvin and his crew?
That trio is bad news….
I’ll stage an intervention. SWAT team on the way, just stay calm and stay indoors. No furry critter home-invades my friend Bookstooge! Not on my watch!
Sorry, but I defend myself 😉
Thanks for the thought though!
So you survived! You showed these chipmunks who the boss is! All hail Lord Bookstooge!
Dude, you’re still up? Isn’t it like almost midnight there?
Go to bed…
10.14. Time for a movie!
Several nopes were uttered during the reading of this review.
Actually, for once, I totally accept this, I gave it several nopes while watching it…
That’s the spirit! 😀
Very dim memories of this one, because I guess I was the target audience at the time. Haven’t been back to it since. The ’80s weren’t a golden age.
The action scenes are pretty good in terms of physical effects; the story, dialogue and acting all have to be seen to be believed.